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Dear Aunt Nettie: It says in the paper that today is
the anniversary of the invention of the runcible spoon. What on earth is a
runcible spoon? |
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Dear Twisted: On this day in 1877 the noted gourmand and nonsense verse writer Edward Lear perfected the runcible spoon, which combined all the best features of the three standard items of tableware into a single convenient package: a three-pronged spoon with a cutting edge. Lear hoped to make millions with his invention, which streamlined the tradition Victorian formal dinner tableware layout considerably. He presented a fine sterling silver runcible spoon to Queen Victoria in hopes of gaining a lucrative sinecure as a purveyor to the Queen's household, as the shopkeepers William Fortnum and Hugh Mason had done early in the reign. It was not to be, however. Although the Queen found the device to be "a curious trinket,"¹ she pointed out the physical difficulties of pinning down one's meat and simultaneously cutting it, a weakness which Lear in his enthusiasm had overlooked. A broken man, he returned to a life of popular obscurity, penning limerick after limerick to assuage his ruined soul. His descendants have not abandoned the fight to have the spoon accepted into society, however, although their only victory in the long battle was to have a modified runcible spoon called the spork, which lacked a cutting edge, accepted for use by the British Prison Service in 1972. Additional information on the history, uses and variations of the runcible spoon, plus personal anecdotes involving its application, can be had at The Runcible Spoon Society, 11 Bong-Tree Place, Utopia Street, Shangri-La, RU5 URE. Or visit the Society's Web page. ---- ¹ "Victoria Regina: the Silverware Jubilee" by Wm. Rogers. Dipnbuff Press (London & Bombay, 1920)
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Dear Aunt Nettie: If my company's stock price is $6.66,
do I buy or sell???? I'm so confused.... |
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Dear Superstitious: Well, if your stock is in war materiél, it means BUY. If it's in the Mother Teresa Fund, it's a definite SELL. Apparently Mammon is getting the upper hand again. Don't mention my name....
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Dear Aunt Nettie: I have questions about religion, and
don't know whom else to turn to. What's the difference between love beads and a rosary? When I cough up pocket change each week and drop it in the basket, where does it go? I walk in the door, dip my hand in a bowl of water, and people start burning incense and chanting. What's up with that? During Easter season, they hang
up purple banners...but put a white banner on Easter. Is this like NASCAR
where they hang a yellow caution flag out? |
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Dear Questing: Basilicas are the homes of basilisks, those great dragons that can kill with a glance. Temples are Japanese restaurants which serve tempura, a dish of shrimp or other seafood dipped in batter and fried in deep fat. "Love beads" is a euphemism for illegal aphrodisiacs. A rosary is where one raises roses. Your pocket change is sent to the Vatican, where it is used to buy gold-embroidered silk vestments for the Pope so he can appeal for help for the poor. When you dip your hand in the water a micro-sensor detects the ripples and triggers the synthetic incense sprayer and the playback button on the "Gregorian Chants for Dummies" tape. The banners are part of an eschatological terrorist warning system. White is low, purple is elevated.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: Alla time I'm hearing people talking
about the Ten Most Wanted. This got me to thinking: is there a Ten Least
Wanted, and, if so, who are they? |
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Dear Wanted: That's an excellent question. I called the FBI's public affairs department and they said there really is a Ten Least Wanted, if you mean the people on the very bottom of their to-do list. I was able to persuade them to fax me a copy of the bottom of the list by invoking the Freedom of Information Act, the Patriot Act and the Elderly People with Disabilities Act, which I had to make up. Here you go. The complete list of losers among losers.... 1. Sandor "No Anchovies" Gazpacho - Suspicion of Loitering
2. Herman Pzgrotzxiphineratori - Blasphemy
3. Charles McCarthy - Impersonating a non-Person Aka "Charlie."
4. Edgar Bergen - Misuse of Bergen County Property
5. Lorne "No Anchovies" Gabborini - Aggravated Copyright Violation
6. Bruce Banner - Reckless Shape-changing
7. Hector Hector - Privy Counselor Aka "Hector H. Hector," "H. Hector Hector," "H. H. Hector," and "His Royal Highness Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales, Knight of the Garter, Knight of the Thistle, Knight Grand Commander of the Order of the Bath, Member of the Order of Merit, Knight of the Order of Australia, Member of the Queen's Service Order, Privy Counselor, Aide-de-Campe to Her Majesty, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Chester, Earl of Carrick, Baron of Renfrew, Lord of the Isles and Prince and Great Steward of Scotland."
8. Person formerly known as
10. Clark Kent - Practicing Journalism Without a License
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Dear Aunt Nettie: Hey, I found this neat questionnaire
in the National Enquirer, "How Everyday Choices Reveal your Personality."
I dare you to take it! |
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Dear Psyched: Why is the National Enquirer always trying to reveal people's personalities? It seems a tad obsessive. In any case, I'm way too old to respond to dares. Living through the day is enough of a challenge. I did, however, send your questionnaire to a distant relative who works in an advertising agency. Here are his replies: Which do you prefer? 1. Apples or oranges? Apploranges®, the new genetically engineered fruit from Monsanto. Coreless and pitless, these new soft-skinned hybrid treats are sure to become your family's favorite fruit! 2. Tea or coffee? Cofftea®, the new transgendered beverage from Nestlé. The delightful flavor range of your favorite teas plus the caffeine wallop of a double espresso. Sure to become your family's favorite morning drink! 3. Sweet or sour? Sow-eet®, the new-fangled flavoring agent from the people who brought you NutraSweet® sweetener and Sourball® brand all-day suckers. Never quite sweet, never quite sour, it will tantalize your taste buds and is sure to become your family's favorite flavor treat! 4. Comedy or drama? Comedrama™ from HBO is the next big thing in entertainment. Bored with run-of-the-mill murder mysteries? Has it with sitcoms? Comedramas will leave you hanging or leave you laughing— you'll never know till the last minute. Sure to become your family's favorite form of entertainment! 5. Mystery or romantic novel? Mysteromances®, the new series from sparked by last year's merger of Harlequin Romances and Mysterious Press, will keep you guessing right down to the last minute-- you'll never know until the last page. Sure to become your family's favorite literary genre! 6. Beer or wine? Budweiseriesling®, the new drink for sophisticated adults, is a maltovinous concoction that brings you the best of both worlds-- the refreshing taste of your favorite beer, plus the intriguing notes and finishes of a fine white wine. Sure to become your family's favorite tipple! 7. Party or quiet evening at home? Orgy-for-One® is the newest way to celebrate! Holographic guests will party hardy or vanish at a touch of a button. Available in 5 categories, PG through XXX. Sure to become your family's favorite way to celebrate! 8. Democrat or Republican? Republicrat® is the latest synthetic political group. Hate being on the losing side? Want to sneer at your monopartite friends? Republicrats have the best of both worlds! Sure to become your family's favorite political movement! 9. Cat, dog, fish, or reptile? Felicanipisciguanas® are the hottest new thing in pets! Why settle for one when you can have them all? Friendly, aloof, gaily colored and coldblooded, these delightful creatures will cause comment wherever you take them. Sure to become your family's favorite pet surrogate! 10. Who is the most attractive public person? Bennifer®, the delightful media mix that puts the pube in public personality! New zipper feature allows them to be seen together or separately. Sure to become your family's favorite celebrity fixation!
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Dear Aunt Nettie: My favorite pastime is bowling. What
I've never been able to understand is this: the game used to be called
"ninepins" and now it's called "tenpins." When and why did an extra pin
get added? |
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Dear 290: The early years of the 20th century were a time of consolidation in the ninepin manufacturing industry, until in 1908 there was only a single closely controlled monopoly, AlleyMaster®. To maximize profits, AlleyMaster began pressuring the National Lane Bowling Association to change the rules every year to include one or two extra pins. By 1922-- the scandalous "no-strike" year-- the number of pins had mushroomed to 34. Angry bowlers besieged the White House in record numbers, picketing and chanting "Hell, no, we won't bowl!" until finally President Harding was forced to issue Executive Order #334a, breaking up AlleyMaster into three competing firms and repealing the maximum pin quota. After extended negotiations the number was set for all time at 10.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: Who invented the coffee filter? |
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Dear Mr. Coffee: Elmo Narfpoodle of Tulip, Vermont. His wife told him that if he didn't do something about the sludge in the coffee she would have grounds for divorce.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: I was watching the Super Bowl ads and
it got me to wondering: Which television commercial cost the most? |
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Dear Accountant: The ill-fated, never-completed 30-second spot for Iron City Beer in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in 1962. It was the first aluminum beer can with a ring-pull opening tab. Alas, the design of the can was almost identical to the Army ST-114b anti-tank grenade. Pittsburghians, being the sort of people who want to be the first to try anything new, mobbed the stores to try out the innovative cans, and soon not a single can of Iron City was to be had for love or money. The commercial filming crew, faced with a deadline, had to make do with a substitute. They called a local military base and arranged to borrow a thousand ST-114b grenades for the product shoot, cleverly silk-screening a dummy label on them for authenticity. Well, the inevitable happened. At sundown in Mellon Square the thousand fake cans were piled up for the commercial just when companies closed for the day, flooding the business district with thousands of thirsty, innovation-seeking laborers. They easily overcame the Army guards and in the twinkling of an eye every last can had been spirited away. Later that evening the Steelers scored a dramatic victory over Chicago, and in bars and homes and restaurants across the city a thousand dedicated Steelers fans rose as one to salute their heroes with a can of their favorite suds, Iron City. The carnage was dreadful, and the advertising company Doyle Dane Bernbach, had its corporate pants sued off, to the tune of 1.3 billion dollars, a production cost which has never been exceeded to this day.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: Why does the US interstate highway
system require that one mile out of every five miles be straight? |
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Dear Driven: Because gay highways bother some people, especially in conservative communities.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: The birds are eating the berries on my photinia tree and pooping on my deck. How can I stop this assault? --Rocco in Roanoke |
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Dear Rocco: Strychnine has always worked for me.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: What is the origin of the word
"dollar"? |
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Dear Thrifty: It's from the Latin word "dolor," meaning sorrow or grief. In olden days it was believed that wealth was accompanied by great misery-- "much gain, much pain" was a popular saying. It was only during the late 19th century that it was discovered that wealthy people, although perhaps miserable, had a much better lifestyle than the average Joe, and people began amassing dolors in great quantities.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: I was reading some old WWII magazine
articles and came across a strange term. What was "liberty cabbage"? |
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Dear History Buff: The name of a notorious murderer and gunfighter depicted in the 1962 movie, "The Man Who Shot Liberty Cabbage," with Lee Marvin as Cabbage, Jimmy Stewart as the idealistic lawyer torn between order and violence, and John Wayne as a horse-trader and rival with Stewart for the hand of Sophranisba Whump, played by Vera Miles.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: What are bull markets and bear
markets? |
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Dear Rancher: Bull-baiting and bear-baiting were the most prominent and popular of animal 'sports' from the 16th century to the 19th in England. It was associated with fairs and a variety of local celebrations, though in some places it was a frequent and recurring local event. There were regular places for bull- and bear-baiting - almost every town in England had a bull-baiting ring. London even had arenas set aside for the purpose. There was an iron ring fixed in the ground to which the rope tethering the animal could be fastened. Bulldogs and mastiffs would be thrown into the ring and would torment them, The bull or bear would try to gore or disembowel the dogs or toss them out of the way. Bull and bear markets were established to give promoters a central location in which to bid for and purchase the animals.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: What famous statesman was known as
Dizzy to his supporters? |
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Dear Nicknamed: Roscoe Barftub Lambsquarters (R-Arkansas 1921-1922) who ran on the Radical Roller Coaster platform, hoping to overturn Fundamentalist objections to amusement parks in post-war Arkansas. To make his point he traveled everywhere in a modified roller coaster car, which caused him to show up for committee meetings in a state of confusion bordering on hebephrenia, sometimes with streaks of cotton candy in his beard. He also fell down a lot while approaching the podium, and once blundered into the Congressional coat closet thinking it was the men's room, where he famously exposed himself to an impressionable 9-year-old Richard Nixon, who was going through overcoat pockets attempting to "find what I hadn't lost," as he put it in a beguiling lisp. This led to the notorious impeachment trial, where Lambsquarters was forced to eat half a peck of peaches, then ride the "Whipcracker" at Six Flags over Little Rock during the dark of the moon. A carelessly positioned safety bar led to his death when he was forced to stand in the moving car to "jettison cargo" just as he was passing under a structural beam. His body was buried in his home town of Redbone, but his head was buried in the Congressional Record, which his colleagues thought was most fitting.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: What is the "lion's share"?
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Dear Leo: It's a reference to Isaiah 2:4 in the dreadfully mistranslated "Fred's Discount Bible" of 1924. "And he shall judge among the lions, and shall rebuke many sheep: and they shall beat their lions into plowshares, and their lambs into pruning hooks: lions shall not lift up sword against lambs, neither shall they learn war any more, but the lion shall lie down with the lamb, at least until the vice squad arrives."
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Dear Aunt Nettie: Are the streets in Monopoly based on
real street names?
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Dear Venting: Not originally, but the craze for the game during the 1930s led to the founding of the Township of Monopoly in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey. Alas, the social experiment failed-- no one put up any hotels, the B&O railroad bypassed it and crime went out of control thanks to the introduction of counterfeit "Get Out of Jail Free" cards. Plus they never did figure out to do with the huge flatiron.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: Who invented the rickshaw?
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Dear Huang: Rick Shaw was a British diplomat who was saddened by the wretched state of Chinese transportation and the vast numbers of unemployed he found in Peiping in the 1860s. Using his superior British ingenuity, he soon arrived at a solution to both problems by devising an open two-wheeled carriage that could be pulled by a starving native. Thus was founded the Fresh Air Cab Company, under the direction of Shaw's chauffer and his brother, Ah-mus and Ahn-dee. When the Emperor first saw one of these innovative vehicles, he asked his chief eunuch what it was. Embarrassed that there was no word in Mandarin for such a thing, he blurted out the name of the inventor instead. The Emperor later issued a proclamation that these "rickshaws" had the approval of the divine and benevolent ruler, and he even had a solid gold one made for the use of the Empress, a solid silver one made for his chief concubine, and others of various metals for his retainers and extended family. A later proclamation commanded that the head of one Rick Shaw, barbarian ambassador, be removed from his body for having dared to sully the splendor of the Celestial Empire by taking the name of one of its divinely-inspired inventions.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: Babe Ruth hit Yankee Stadium's first
two World Series home runs. Can you tell me the name of the sports fan who
was hit by both of those home-run balls?
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Dear Grounder: In a little-known fact of baseball, "Potsy" Frumpdowdy of Bayonne, New Jersey became the first fan to be hit by 2 consecutive home run balls. The first gave him a concussion, but he insisted on staying in the grandstand, accepting a free beer to compensate for his injury. The second impact compounded the damage, and Frumpdowdy later became a lonely figure who wandered the streets of Bayonne yelling "Moider th' ump!" at all hours of the day and night. A frequently-seen figure at mental health clinics, Frumpdowdy eventually became convinced that both baseballs were lodged in his brain, causing him to "think funny," as he put it. He died of an infection in 1934 as a result of injuries suffered when he tried to use a can opener to remedy the problem.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: What bird has been adopted by more
U.S. states than any other?
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Dear Ornithological: Thereby hangs a sad tale. Buddy the scarlet macaw, aka Pretty Pol, aka Loud Bird, aka Steam Whistle, aka #$%^&*$^%^$%&!!!! BIRD!! was first adopted by LuAnne and "Ponce" Lesperance at Parrot Jungle in Florida as part of its surplus bird giveaway program. Little did they know that Buddy had been in solitary most of his life because of his 187-decibel screech and his habit of tearing the fingers off small children after luring them close to his cage with coy, winsome cooings. On the way back to their home in Ashtabula, Ohio, Buddy blew out the front and back windshields of their Ford Aerostar with a particularly discordant blast, which also deafened poor Ponce and LuAnne and caused them to drive into the back of a gasoline tanker, with predictable results. Buddy escaped out the back with only a singed tail feather or two. He was adopted by a state trooper, Alvin Muckleroy, who had responded to the call, and who brought him home to his family in Poindexter, MO. Buddy, perhaps a bit stunned by the crash, was perfectly quiet for a few days. Then, on the evening of April 26, he let out with his trademark UberScreech just as Alvin was loading his .357 Magnum service revolver, so startling him that he shot his wife Pernitia in the head. While he was frantically phoning 911, Buddy nipped off the baby's hands and flew through the window shattered by the exiting bullet. He next showed up at the Poindexter truck stop, where "Beefy" Terwilliger, a road hauler for Tose Express, decided that this magnificently colored, very docile bird would make an excellent traveling companion. His mistake became evident just after he crossed into Kentucky, when Buddy leaned over adorably for a chuck under the chin, and while Beefy's attention was distracted, bit off his nose, flying out the open window of the Peterbuilt seconds before its impact with the church van in the oncoming lane. At the church's funeral for its lost members, Buddy showed up on one of the gravestones, and was taken as a sign from God of the ultimate resurrection of the dead in all their glorious raiment by Amelia Guntrum, widow of one of the recently deceased. She took him home and even named him "Paraclete," so deep was her faith. Buddy, perhaps confusing the word with the name of a much smaller member of the parrot family, demonstrated his resentment by developing a new vice: projectile defecation. Mrs. Guntrum valiantly tried to cope, but in the end was forced to burn her home down for the insurance money, as realtors would not come within a hundred yards of the house after hearing what happened to the ReMax lady. She was caught, of course, and is doing 5 - 10 in the State Penitentiary at Eddyville. And so it went. Buddy, under various temporary names, was adopted in Tennessee, Alabama, Virginia, Texas, Oklahoma, North and South Dakota and even Rhode Island. So far as anyone knows, he's still out there, quite proud of his title as "America's Most Wanted Bird."
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2-24-2004
....more on Buddy the Macaw: *
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Dear Aunt Nettie: Are you planning to see Mel Gibson's
movie, "The Passion of the Christ," which opens today?
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Dear Reverent: No. I figure that if you've seen one snuff film, you've seen them all.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: What does PEZ stand for? |
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Dear Sugar: "Pellet-Emitting Zingy" was what its inventor, Renfrew Diefendorfer, called it. It was originally intended for feeding vitamin pills to gerbils. When this failed to catch on, Diefendorfer greatly increased the strength of the spring, replaced the gerbil pellets with lead slugs and tried to sell it as a personal self-defense device. This too failed, and Diefendorfer gave up inventing and became a cosmetic plumber. Many years later he discovered his young son, Pez, playing with one of the devices. The child had replaced the lead slugs with Good-'n-Plenty candy lozengoids and he and his friends were having great fun shooting them into each other's mouths. Diefendorfer was suddenly struck with a sure-fire idea for marketing his pellet-emitters: he approached the Vatican with the concept of the "Host Shooter," a labor-saving device for overworked priests. Alas, this concept too was rejected, and poor Renfrew returned home a broken man. Several weeks later, desperate for a sugar fix, he remembered his son's modified device and went to pop a Good-'n-Plenty into his mouth, unaware that the boy, anal-retentive to a fault, had replaced the lead slugs unbeknownst to his father. His tombstone bears the motto: Father of Pez.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: Why was the Eiffel Tower built?
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Dear Frankie: It was a classic case of misunderstanding. Jack Eiffel, an American expatriate toy designer, had an idea for a snap-together metal construction set, which he felt could be THE boy's Xmas toy of the 1889 season. He sketched out the rough plans at a café in Montmartre and secured the backing of a French venture capital firm and a manufacturing company, who agreed to put together a miniature tower to display at the upcoming World Toy Vendors Fair in Paris that year. Alas, in the process of drawing up the blueprints the English "inch" marks were converted to metres, and instead of a 7½-inch model, a 300-metre tall monstrosity was created. Lawsuit followed lawsuit, until in 1905 the French government (Motto: "Surrender First, Then Complain in an Irritating Whiny Nasal Voice") acquired it during an estate sale and had it outfitted as a hazard to aerial navigation, which it remains today.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: What 804-page book by a little-known
zoologist became a best-seller in 1948 despite a reviewer's description of
it as "so turgid, so repetitive, so full of nearly meaningless tables,
that it will only be read by specialists..."?
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Dear Bibliophile: It was "Forgotten First Citizen: John Bigelow," by Margaret Dantu Clapp, a definitive attempt to prove the existence of one John Bigelow, "The Man No One Remembered." Although Clapp was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for Biography in absentia, the existence of Bigelow is still open to question, especially since 1955, when it was discovered that Clapp herself was fictional. ----------- Ref: "Inventing Myself: Mythical Aspects in the Lives of John Bigelow and Margaret Dantu Clapp" by James Macpherson, Ephemera Press (London & Bombay, 1955)
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Dear Aunt Nettie: How many bones make up the human
skull?
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Dear Cranial:
There's an easy medical-school rhyme that will help you remember the name
of every single bone:
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