 
12-31-2006
Aunt Nettie is one of the Internet
pioneers of the 19th century. She still gives good bandwidth from a
franchised housing development for the elderly in Redbone, Arkansas, which she calls Living
Dead "R" Us. As the World's Leading Authority, she freely
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Dear Festive:
That extreme patriot, William "Fireworks" McKinley, who refused to start
labor until that date. Nurses remarked on his red, white and blue
coloring at birth. He was a difficult child, always insisting on nursing
from his mother's right breast, never from the left, and when he started
school he would only sit in the extreme right row of desks, regardless
of how he upset the alphabetization scheme of the classroom. In high
school he played right end on the football team and refused to receive
Hail Mary passes on the grounds that WASPs should have no truck with
Popery.
Upon graduation he thought about joining the Navy so he could become a
Right Admiral until he found out there was no such rank, and he couldn't
imagine becoming a Rear Admiral, with all the sordidness that implied.
He did go to sea, catching right whales until electric lighting caused
the whale oil industry to go belly-up. He tried driving a taxi for a
while, but since he would only make right turns he soon lost his
passengers and his job. He toyed with the idea of joining the Church,
where he could rise to Right Reverend, or becoming a geometer
specializing in the right triangle, but after a number of false starts
he wound up as the right-hand man of a Conservative politician. This
worked out well for him and he soon rose to the highest political
position in the land, only to be cut down by a assassin's bullet. The
assassin, Leo Czolgosz, cleverly hid his pistol in his left hand,
knowing that McKinley would never see it there.
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